I was listening to some Bob Seger the other night, and Against the Wind came on.  I laid there remembering when I was younger thinking, cool, I am strong, I can do anything.  Then somehow life hits you right in the face.  You grow up.  So much has happened, as with everyone from their teen years to their early 20's, 30,s even your 40,s that  do not seem to daunt you.  But then, first,  after your first "love"  (of course my Dad was and is my first "love") breaks your heart, Dad never did.  You realize you cannot run against the wind.  You run with the wind.  I never seemed to be able to do that. Change never came easy.
Losing my Mother was one of the hardest firsts I ever had.  The pain in my heart, actual pain, I thought I could not ever bear not seeing her again.
Then my Dad, kind, stubbern, gentle Dad.  I thought to myself, I know am a person without the two people in your life who love you through it all. At this time in your life though you are a parent yourself, giving the same unconditional love.  Loving so fiercely, so all consuming.  Nothing is greater. 
Then they grow up.
I have realized that is what my job was, to let them grow up, move on and go against the wind themselves.
Last year was a very hard year, I lost my "sister" friend, confidant, cousin and always a supporter.  I could not and am still fighting letting her go.  I think of her everyday.  Her gentle smile, her silly giggle, her cup of tea, her laughter and her devotion.  Besides my own sister, I will never have another female friend like her. (although I am blessed with a best friend, who is the same) She was family and so much more, always there with an open ear and a open heart.
But I am trying harder to go with the wind.  We have a new pastor in our church and she has shown me what faith really can do for people.  I lost my Aunt last week, my son was having health issues and I was starting to feel overwhelmed, yet again.  Everyday that week, the truth, I saw a bright red cardinal, the day of my Aunts funeral,  I thought, well Uncle Art is telling me he is waiting, then my son went back into the hospital.  Nothing that could not be taken care of but very painful.  I swear, I felt like crying sitting along side his wife.  I could no longer be the Mom to him, like I wanted to be.  I had to let go.  My children are adults now, and I need to enjoy them that way.  My daughter took me to lunch in Detroit last week and I said to her, Detroit?  I don't think so.  She said, "Mom" so I handed her the key and off we went.  We had such a good time.  It felt good.
I got to talk to my Keedy cousins this week.  Although the circumstances were the worst, we grieved together and shared stories together.  Betty and I have gotten quite close the last few year and I do hope this could be a beginning for all of us. 
I know now, that I can't stop what is going to happen, I just have to trust that I will handle it and be patient.
Nancy is not really out of my heart, she never will be, but I realize now that she had had enough, and I feel inner peace that the pain is gone for her.  I know there will still be days ahead when I hurt more for her, but all I have to do is think of that wonderful smile and go have a cup of tea.